If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
