i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Houston, we have a blender
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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