he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
tell me about the eggs
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
