Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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