My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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