I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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