Me too!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
