So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
