She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize