i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
