Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dignity is for republicans.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
