Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
