turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My ATM looks so different sober.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
