apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have post one night stand depression
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
