you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
