I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
