I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
