Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
