i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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