My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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