What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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