I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
