Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
