There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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