Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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