I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
