Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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