I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
