if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
