I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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