anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
