(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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