I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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