grandma shit on top of the toilet
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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