I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
