if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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