the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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