meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
