I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
