dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
