I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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