IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
