I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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