you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think I sprained my soul last night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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