I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
