Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
