I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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