I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
