i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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