so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
