Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
