If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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