i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
