I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
