i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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