she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
