The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
